“Hola! Disculpe!” My neighbor called out to me as soon as I entered our apartment lobby. She stood halfway between my door and hers. In her hand she held out a package addressed to me. It was a necklace I had been waiting for. Artemis, the Goddess of wilderness and the moon, imprinted on a small silver pendant, hanging from a delicate chain. She gleamed, brandishing a powerful silver bow and arrow, her long hair rippling in the wind.
Fedex said it was delivered and signed for by someone named Carlos over a month ago. I thought I would never see it.
As the goddess known for her bravery hangs from my neck, I think of all the things that I said yes to that I didn’t actually want to do. All the “no”s caught in my throat. All the ways that I sacrificed what I really wanted because of some deep need to keep everyone around me happy. There were so many.
A therapist asked me the other day if I thought I was a people pleaser. It was my first session with her. “What exactly does that mean?” I asked. “It means you say yes to things you’d rather say no to because you want to please the people around you.”
More than just a ‘no’ was caught in my throat now.
“Obviously this is bringing up a lot of emotions for you,” said the therapist.
I slid the Artemis charm between my fingers as I walked to my job the next morning. What are you supposed to do with that information? It’s not like I didn’t already know I was a people pleaser, but to have someone point it out to you so clinically. I didn’t even know this woman, yet after half an hour she had pointed out my biggest flaw.
Now I was left wondering whether any of the decisions I’d ever made in life were what I actually wanted. I spiraled like this for a couple of dark days, following paths of self-doubt and regret into the caverns of my most haunted moments. Cobwebs of memories clung to me as I wandered further and further into the maze of my mind, dust of decisions past filling my lungs. I took one turn, then another, getting further and further lost, the path narrowing. Everything was beginning to close in, the air around me getting more and more toxic. My lungs were burning, my eyes itching.
Then I saw her.
Her luminescent dress was shimmering in a hazy, silvery light coming from somewhere above. There was mist swirling around her ankles, floating up and surrounding her. Her hair draped over her shoulders, flowing down her back. In her left hand was a bow the size of her entire body. In the other hand, an arrow. Her gaze pierced through me. I was paralyzed. Then she raised the bow. She set the arrow in place, pulling it back, straight and steady. Aimed at me.
Before I could turn to run, scream stop, do anything, she released it.
As it struck me I was jolted from my trance.
My hand flew to the pendant hanging from my neck. The delicate chain felt suddenly heavy. Artemis, the goddess of wilderness and the moon. Protector, hunter, resilient, free spirit, non-conformist. Brave.
One word was on my lips. A prayer.
“No.”